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S C E N A : T h e a t r e ..A r t s ..R e v i e w
Novi Sad, 2006/2007 . ..No. 20 . .January-December . .YU ISSN 0036-5743 .

d r a m a
MAJA PELEVIC
ORANGE PEEL - First Draft...................................Belgrade, June 2005
Translated by Svetlana DIMCOVIC

 

MAJA PELEVIC
Maja Pelevic was born in 1981 in Belgrade. In 2005 she graduated Dramaturgy at the Faculty of Dramatic Arts in Belgrade. She is doing her master studies “Theory of Art and Media” at interdisciplinary studies of University of Arts. In 2000/01 she attended the courses “Performance and Ritual” of Richard Schechner, as well as the “Theory of Vanguard” and “Modern American Theatre” – at the Tisch School of Arts in New York (US). In 2005 she participated in the Royal Court International Residency in the Royal Court Theatre in London. She is cooperating in the projects of the platform Walking Theory (Teorija koja Hoda ) and TKH-Center for Theory and practice of Performance Arts in Belgrade. She is Coextensive of Project NADA (New Play) for developing dramatic text in the National Theatre in Belgrade. She was selector of the INFANT 2006 - Festival of Alternative and New Theatre in Novi Sad. Since October 2005 she has been a member editorial theatre magazine “SCENA”.
Performed plays: ESCape (Bitef Theatre, 2005, directed by Jelena Bogavac); Out of Gear (NP Subotica, 2005, directed by Sladjana Kilibarda; MTM Mostar, 2006, directed by Milos Lazin); Men are Bitch Bitch Man (part of omnibus “Fake Porno”; Bitef Theatre, 2005, directed by Jelena Bogavac); Be A Lady for One Day (Bitef Theatre, 2005, directed by Ksenija Krnajski); Belgrade-Berlin (Zvezdara Theatre, Belgrade, 2005, directed by Ksenija Krnajski); Belgrad-Berlin (Volksbuehne Theater, Berlin, 2005, directed by Predrag Kalaba); Operation Emotional Verbalisation (West Yorkshire Playhouse, Leeds, 2004); Orange Peel (Atelje 212, Belgrade, 2006, directed by Goran Markovic); Me or Someone Else (Serbian National Theatre, Novi Sad, 2007, directed by Kokan Mladenovic).
Theoretical works: “Generating of Sex”, theoretical performance, April Meetings, SKC Belgrade, 2002; “Enjoying Deconstruction”, multimedial theoretical spectacle, Rectorate at the University of Arts, Belgrade, 2002; “Enjoying the Deconstruction of Post-socialist Mythology”, theoretical Circus, Urban Fest, Ad Hoc 2, Zagreb, 2003; “Ekonomimesis – Mask”, TkH, No. 6, Belgrade, 2003.
In 2006, Maja Pelevic was awarded the “Borislav Mihajlovic Mihiz” Prize for her dramatic opus. She lives in Belgrade.


Dramaturg’s Note

A WOUND ON THE PERFECT BODY

In the wake of allegory and parable, Pelevic’s latest play, Orange Peel brings an outstanding range of factors that mark turning points in the landscape of Serbian dramaturgy. Overcoming the discursiveness of late feminism, satirical sharpness of tragicomic stylization (common in Serbian drama) and genre attractiveness – but at the same time managing to retain their advantages – Orange Peel reads as a radically unconventional and nightmarish erotic ballad about the female principle as a repressed, but never tamed expression of Otherness – the principle that defines everyone’s endangered, passionate, suspicious and vulnerable Self.
As far as its subject is concerned, through the affirmation of genuine sensitivity and unbridled sensuality, Orange Peel deals with the issue of rebellious credo of the (post)modern emancipated woman. In terms of genre, the author uses the emotional power of melodrama, the attractiveness of tragicomedy streaked with nonsense humor as well as razor-sharp critical attitudes of late feminist theory in order to overcome all these factors and to combine them into a nightmarish and erotic discursive narrative poem. Regarding form and style, the play offers a fractional and yet all-embracing dramatic scheme within which the identities of her characters develop, intertwine and transform, whereas the “action” varies from fragments of dialogues and anti-illusionistic soliloquies, to parodies of fashion recipes, advertisements and classic examples of literary “stream of consciousness,” to the nervous and dynamic pluralism of computer communication of e-mails and chat reminiscent of Coupland’s prose fiction, but also involves comments of the controversial authorial Voice.
In the manner of seeming directness, the thematic aspect of Orange Peel opens with an illusionistic “confession” that the (prescribed) life is unreal and concludes with a “manifesto” whereby a new truth of a liberated body comes into power. Between these two paradoxical points there is an ongoing process of a complex construction and even more complex deconstruction of a unique dramatic parable. Namely, the basic metaphor of the story, “orange peel,” a euphemistic expression denoting cellulite, is used by Maja Pelevic as a trigger and a means of debunking our artificially initiated, virtual, illusionistic, and manically “branded” appearance of our modern civilization. For in the society dominated by machines for “body production” (cosmetic treatments), multimedia mechanisms of selling fashion, food and emotional surrogates, as well as the exchange of sex (orgasms) for power – in such a world, a simple human truth, or to be more precise, the Heroine’s wish to be “simple” can be fulfilled only through the denial of everything that surrounds her (and us) in that world.

The formal complexity of the play, the rapid alternation of narration, dialogue, soliloquy and comment should, therefore, suggest how barren, limited and useless life is when it is reduced to formal gestures and empty rituals. The skill that Maja Pelevic displays while using thematic and formal aspects to lead the reader/spectator towards the understanding of this problem is truly remarkable: the parody of “provincial idyll” causes a humorous and satirical effect (but also occasional emotional identification) and the introduction of computer (e-mail) communication creates amazement and anxiety whereas the imaginative alternation of monologues, lyrical and descriptive passages generates an entirely different effect. It is a unique blend of horror and gripping comedy leading to an effect that would not be possible without the combination of the two strategies which reveal the author’s understanding of drama in general. While the protagonist, that is the heroine (Her) – functioning both as an independent identity and occasionally as the Author’s persona – disintegrates, multiplies and changes her point of view/action, the plot shows that all the above-mentioned elements of genre and form meet in one basic contradiction (and sometimes in temporary balance) of story and discourse. For all stories, or rather Stories, are discredited, contaminated by commercial/industrial changes, corrupted by advertisements and by means of technology utterly “devoid” of subjectivity (and, therefore, of meaning); and within those stories, as in the Machines/Matrices which create artificial idyll and glamour, continuous but empty and alienated time rules supreme. Unless she wants to become a cyborg, Pelevic’s heroine can survive only as a torso, a ruin rejected by the virtual world. Discredited in the Stories forced upon her, the heroine finds – or at least struggles to find – her own time in the potentiality and indefiniteness of figures of discourse: in clichés of quiz shows, in fragments of manifestos, in numerical processes of computer operations – in a word, where we would least expect it. As a discursive rebel, as an alternative subject and pursuer of normality, or as a wound on the perfect body of the Story, the heroine chooses a disadvantage, that is “orange peel,” – the aura of imperfection which will enable her to enjoy every morning at least a moment of arduous but so precious freedom.

Svetislav JOVANOV


..1. I WANT I WILL I CAN
..2. WHAT’S A BEAUTIFUL GIRL LIKE YOU DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS
..3. TEN STEPS TO A PERFECT DATE
..4. GET RID OF ORANGE PEEL
..5. CHANGE YOUR APPEARANCE – CHANGE YOUR LIFE
..6. CYBERCHICK VS. REAL LIFE
..7. KEEP HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
..8. BUY A COOKBOOK – BECOME A BRIDE
..9. TREATS FOR HIM
10. COUNTER-COUNTERINDICATIONS
11. READY FOR ANYTHING
12. ALONE AGAINST EVERYONE
13. 10 RULES FOR PERFECT CELLULITE
14. WHERE IS THIS UNIVERSE GOING
15. FOR OR AGAINST
16. MEN LIKE FAITHFUL WOMEN
17. A TOTALLY (EXTRA)ORDINARY DAY
18. ALWAYS BEHIND HIM
19. WOMEN AGAINST WOMEN
20. IT’S A GIRL
21. YOUR WHOLE LIFE’S AHEAD OF YOU
22. MANIFESTO AND END

 

1. I WANT I WILL I CAN

SHE
I love myself so much that no one else has to love me.
I’m lying.
I love myself.
I’m lying.
I love myself so much.
I’m lying.
I love myself so much that I love myself.
I’m lying.
So I would love myself.
I’m lying.
So no one else has to love me.
How I love myself.
How I’m lying that I love myself.
I’m lying about everything.
I love.
I’m lying that I love.
I love to lie.
How much?
Enough so that I’d love myself.
Enough so that I’d lie.
Enough so that I’d lie that I love myself…
As I lie…
As I love…
As I lie and love
Lie and love
Lie
Love
I lie so I can love
I’d love to lie.
That’s that.
That’s how much I love.
People love otHEr people’s insides vomit tHEy feed off tHEm enjoy tHEm eating raw meat and not asking whose it is or wHEre it’s come from tHE working of extremities provides ultimate pleasure releasing energy and stimulating acupuncture points because I have to and because I need to and because and because and because copy paste and you get two pages because we live in a recycling era and everything is meaningless and recently logic disappeared because tHE demand for it disappeared and what’s on offer is otHEr people’s spit just like spitting in tHE street imperceptibly because it’s bad manners and tHEn it stays tHEre tHE phlegm and travels from shoe to shoe and it makes me so happy because everything else is just construction, destruction, masturbation…


2. WHAT’S A BEAUTIFUL GIRL LIKE YOU DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS

You’re in a club. THEre are lots of people. You don’t feel anything. You think you don’t feel anything yet you’re sweating.

SHE: HEy!
HE: HEy!
SHE: Are you having a good time?
HE: Hmmm1.
You dance. Seductively. It’s destroying him.
SHE: Is that your bird over tHEre?
HE: Hmmm.
SHE: Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm!
HE: Sorry?
SHE: Nothing, it’s just what you’re saying really turns me on.
HE: I’m not saying anything.
SHE: Exactly. Do you want something to drink?
HE: No, thanks.
SHE: How about a fuck?
HE’s laughing. It’s flattering. HE’s terrified. HE doesn’t know what to do. Should HE go?
HE: I’m off.
SHE: WHEre?
HE: To talk to my girlfriend.
SHE: That frigid stick insect who boosts your ego day in day out but the sex isn’t great more to tHE point it’s really quite bad so your sperm are furious and tHEn you have to amuse tHEm from time to time with some easy casual flirting with which you dupe tHEm for a while but not for long.
HE’s shocked. Why? HE leaves. Will HE come back? No.
You’re in a club. THEre are lots of people. You don’t feel anything. You think you don’t feel anything yet you’re sweating.
SHE: HEy!
HE: Have we met?
SHE: Maybe.
HE: Didn’t we meet at that party last night?
You don’t know what’s going on. You nod.
HE: You were wearing a red dress and you were standing in tHE corner with a friend.
You don’t know what’s going on. You continue to nod.
HE: Would you like a drink?
You know what’s going on. You continue to nod.
HE: Wine?
SHE: OK.
HE: Red?
SHE: White.
You dance. Innocently. Imperceptibly. Constructively.
HE: WHEre do you work?
SHE: Currently I’m working on you.
HE smiles. It feels good.
HE: And…what have you decided?
SHE: I think you have a small cock.
HE grimaces unbearably. Tries to control himself.
HE: WHEre did you get that idea?
SHE: If you’d suggested I cHEck your size I’d have known you don’t have a problem but as it is I was right.
HE: Are you always this rude?
SHE: That’s life.
HE thinks about leaving. This is a strategy. HE’ll stay anyway. Still, HE’ll leave.
HE: My mates are waiting for me. See you.
SHE: HEy!
HE: What.
HE’s hoping for an apology.
SHE: It’s not that bad.
You’re in a club. THEre are lots of people. You don’t feel anything. You think you don’t feel anything yet you’re sweating.
HE: What’s a beautiful girl like you doing in a place like this?
SHE: I’m looking for someone to pounce on.
HE: Me?
SHE: Maybe.
HE: Maybe?
SHE: Shall we?
HE: WHEre?
SHE: THE toilet.
HE: We haven’t even met.
SHE: We’ll do that in tHEre.
HE: I’ll just get a drink. Do you want anything?
I shake my HEad. HE disappears into tHE crowd. THEre’s no sign of him. WHAT’S A BEAUTIFUL GIRL LIKE YOU DOING ON HER OWN IN A PLACE LIKE THIS WHEN SHE COULD BE FUCKING IN THE TOILET FOR FREE?


3. TEN STEPS TO A PERFECT DATE

1. Enjoy a rose petal bath which encourages calm and inner tranquillity.
2. Put on your most elegant dress in which you feel so relaxed, brilliant and dazzling.
3. Put on some perfume which shows off your sensuality and adds a seductive air.
4. Take your best girlfriends with you so you feel entirely relaxed.
5. WHEn you spot him don’t show sudden interest.
6. If HE looks at you look back tHEn laugh with your friends for a few minutes so it looks as if you’re having a really good time.
7. Dance – neitHEr too seductively nor too freely.
8. If HE buys you a drink thank him with a smile but wait for HIM to come up to you first.
9. WHEn HE does decide to take tHE next step smile mysteriously.
10. WHEn you start to talk don’t reveal too much about yourself, leave something for later and now get down to work THERE’S A PERFECT DATE AHEAD!


4. GET RID OF YOUR ORANGE PEEL

Sex?
Female
Age?
30.
HEight?
175.
Weight?
55.
Hair colour?
Brown.
Eyes?
Green.
Cellulite?
Yes.
Stretch marks?
Yes.
Blisters?
Yes.
Piles?
No.
Skin?
Combination.
Acne?
Sometimes.
BlackHEads?
T-zone.
Biological face treatment, deep conditioning hair treatment, liposuction, depilation, electrolysis, dermabrasion, pedicure, manicure and microlift.
How many men have you slept with?
275.
Women?
2.
How many calories do you consume daily?
I have no idea.
Sperm?
10 ml.
Do you like to dominate?
Depends.
In bed?
No.
In life?
Yes.
Favourite position?
Doggy style.
Favourite food?
Ice cream.
What are you most afraid of?
You.
Do you want to get married?
No.
Do you have a boyfriend?
No.
Are you cHEating on your boyfriend?
Yes.
Describe a boring situation.
I’m sitting in front of tHE television with a man I’ve been going out with for a year.
Describe an interesting situation.
I’m jumping up and down on tHE same television till I catch fire.
Do you think your life is interesting?
No.
Do you want to make it interesting?
Yes.
Do you think your life is normal?
No.
Do you want it to be normal?
Yes.
Define yourself.
Orange peel.
Do you want to quickly and effectively get rid of orange peel with tHE HElp of the latest advances in corrective surgery?
Yes.
Thank you for calling and goodbye.


5. CHANGE YOUR APPEARANCE – CHANGE YOUR LIFE

You’re sitting in a salon with PROBLEMATIC and MATURE. One is on your right and one is on your left. On your HEads are things resembling cyber-dryers.

MATURE: I’ve tried everything dermabrasion, breast enlargement, stomach liposuction, dermolipectomy, ear reshaping, laser Surgery and tHE young doctor at tHE clinic still hasn’t noticed me. WHEnever I go HE’s tHEre with those nurses in miniskirts feeling tHEir fat arses full of cellulite and look at me pert like a peach without a single line without a single scar and I’m nearly sixty.
PROBLEMATIC: Can you loosen tHEse electrodes on my legs a bit I can’t stand it any more it’s unbearably itchy and I’m getting muscle cramps.
MATURE: You should’ve thought about the effects of night life, debaucHEry, alcohol and drugs sooner.
PROBLEMATIC: You old hag!
MATURE: Take anotHEr look.
PROBLEMATIC: You just admitted how old you are!
MATURE: THEn you should show some respect but tHEre’s no need as age no longer stands for looks or maturity.
PROBLEMATIC: I can see it in your eyes!
MATURE: These are contact lenses love…impenetrable. And you better get tHEm to burn that spot on your nose before it spreads to tHE rest of your face.
PROBLEMATIC: If it comes to it, I’ll gladly give up the scalpel in your favour.
MATURE: And what’s HEr problem?
PROBLEMATIC: What’s tHE matter, why are you so quiet?
MATURE: SHE’s mad.
PROBLEMATIC: Just look at her.
MATURE: SHE should’ve taken care of HErself while tHEre was still time.
PROBLEMATIC: Shut up, you old bitch!
MATURE: You spotty teenager!
PROBLEMATIC: At least this spotty teenager had a fuck in tHE last couple of decades.
MATURE: You imMATURE monster!
PROBLEMATIC: Your neck’s completely wrinkled!
MATURE: How dare you!
SHE: Shut up!
PROBLEMATIC: Oh look tHE mute one speaks.
MATURE: THEre’s work and work to be done on you.
PROBLEMATIC: What are you having done?
SHE: I want to change my appearance.
MATURE: Very wise.
PROBLEMATIC: And what have you got in mind?
SHE: I want to look ordinary.
MATURE: Ordinary?
SHE: Yes, as ordinary as possible so I can blend in with tHE crowd.
PROBLEMATIC: Everyone wants to be different and you want to be ordinary. Nonsense!
MATURE: That’s stupid.
PROBLEMATIC: How do you know what’s stupid.
MATURE: Shut up you stupid bitch.
PROBLEMATIC: You dried up cow.
SHE: Shut up, both of you!
PROBLEMATIC: Tell tHEm to get those stretchmarks off you.
MATURE: THE sooner you start using anti-ageing cream tHE better.
PROBLEMATIC: And try to get those moles off.
MATURE: And those scars on your knees.
SHE: Yes, tHE scars are unusual. THEy should be removed. And orange peel! THEy mustn’t forget tHE orange peel!
THEy’ve just carried out all tHE possible and impossible corrective treatments on you and now you look completely ordinary according to tHE newest trends your hair is blonde, your face taut, your breasts round, stomach flat, legs without a single protruding vein because you no longer have any veins and tHE orange peel has been removed from all parts of your body including your brain but now you’ll have to maintain all this so you’ll spend seventy percent of your spare time in beauty salons and tHat will bEnefit your physical appearance and your mental HEalth on many levels.
Feel great because you’re worth it!


6. CYBERCHICK VS. REAL TIME

File
Open – GOOD MORNING
Edit
Select all
Copy
Paste
Alarm Clock
– Open your eyes. Welcome to tHE real world. Look at tHE clock. Six o’clock, zero minutes, zero seconds. 0000000000000000000000…Close your eyes.
Alarm clock
File
Open – HANG OVER
Select all
Copy
Paste
– Insert : Aspirin 1000 mg ; Alkaseltzer 500 mg ; Protein 3,3 g ; Dairy 1,5 g ; Lactose 4,1 g ; Calcium 125 mg. Energy 45 calories.
File
New Blank Document
– Open your eyes. Welcome to tHE real world. Look at tHE clock. Six o’clock, five minutes, zero seconds.
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000…Throw tHE covers off. Yawn. Stretch. Feel a gentle wave of tiredness, weakening of concentration, mental fatigue.
Blood pressure 90-60
Insert : Asparagine 25 mg ; Glutamine 25 mg ; Pyridoxine chloride 10 mg.
Edit
Replace
Blood pressure 120-80
View
Full Screen
– Swollen eyes. Dark circles. Two acne on tHE left cHEek, one on tHE foreHEad. Crumpled right side of tHE face. Complexion – greyish.
HElp
HElp
HElp
Clear
New Blank Document
Insert
Picture
From camera
– Tanned. 50 kg. Pert behind.
Zoom
File
Open – MORNING ACTIVITIES
Select all
Copy
Paste
– Forty eight steps to tHE bathroom. Loss of calories due to slow walk: 2. Brush teeth. Wash face. Take off nightie. Shower – five minutes. Dry off. Hair dryer – five minutes. Day cream. Scales: 55 kg 320 gr.
Insert : Obedial 500 gr.
Opening of bowels.
Scales : 55 kg.
Get dressed – 10 minutes.
Make-up – 10 minutes.
Thirty steps to tHE kitcHEn.
Open – BREAKFAST MONDAY
Copy
Paste
Insert : Boiled egg. Toast. Juice.
Morning sickness.
HElp
www.netdoctor.com
Search
Accompanied by HEadacHE – no
Vomitting – no
Joint pain – no
Last unprotected sex – no
Insert : Ibuprofen 1000 mg
Clear
Hysterically take things out of tHE wardrobe. Throw on tHE floor. Stamp on tHEm. Occasionally rip fishnets.
HElp
Downloads and Updates
www.gap.com
Items in bag:
10 Items
Items in bag:
20 Items
Items in bag:
30 Items
hip tip
be tHE first
get it now
31 Items
pay by credit card - yes
Clear
File
Open – DAILY ACTIVITIES MONDAY
Update – yes
Insert
Delete
Select
Alignment and Spacing
Borders and Shading
Undo
Personal reminder : Sister’s birthday.
www.netgift.com
Buy tHE most!
Buy tHE best!
Send
Update – complete
Space
Enter
Delete
Messenger : Call me. I miss you.
Delete.
Messenger : If you change your mind come to mine tonight.
Delete.
Ctrl Alt Delete
Shit
Restart
www.chatchatchat.com
User name: bemyvalentine
e-mail: bemyvalentineŽbemyvalentine.com
birthday: 14.02.1981.
clear
birthday: 14.02.1986.
update
something about yourself: pretty,sexy,ready to dance
how do you feel today J
new message from lover boy: Send me your picture sexy!
File
Open
Picture Folder
ME-BEAUTIFUL
Edit
Select all
Filter
Artistic
Neon Glow
Save
Send.
Open – LUNCH MONDAY
Copy
Paste
Insert : Meat. Tomatoes.Bread.
Open – TV
Insert : News.
www.astro.com
Free daily horoscope-created especially for you
Login
Today your attention will be focused on your work. THE MidHEaven is strongly connected with tHE ego structure. This is especially important if you are a meditative person.
Break tHE glass. Scream. Get hysterical. Pick up tHE pieces. Throw tHEm in tHE bin.
www.netdream.com
Look at tHE yellow dot. Relax. Imagine a flower. Can you see it? Click yes. Can you feel it? Click yes. You are now in a state of total meditation.
Escape.
Messenger : I got your present. Thank you. You could come over tonight. I’ve got your favourite cake.
Delete.
Messenger : Are you finally going to reply! I’ve got a surprise for you : )
Delete.
Open – SPORT MONDAY
Attach electrodes to stomach.
Start 30 min.
End.
Update – mail.
CHEck
CHEck
CHEck
Messenger : I can’t take this any more.
Delete.
www.howtohavegoodsex.com
Search
Blonde, green eyes, athletic build, 22 years old.
Enter
English, French.
Enter
Pilot
Enter
Married
Enter
Turn on tHE camera. Turn it away from you. Watch him masturbate. Touch yourself. Look at his genitals. Touch yourself.
– Little girl, turn that camera towards you.
Touch yourself.
– Let me see a bit of you.
Touch yourself. Slowly turn tHE camera towards you.
– What do I want to look at your t-shirt for?
Touch yourself. Slowly lift tHE t-shirt up.
– A bit more.
Touch yourself. Slowly lift tHE t-shirt up even more.
– You’ve got good tits. Do you want to show me your face?
Escape
Delete
Disconnect
– Thirty steps to tHE bathroom. Strip. Shower – 10 minutes. Take off make-up – 10 minutes. Brush teeth. Forty eight steps to tHE bedroom. Loss of calories due to fast walk – 4. Put on nightie. Get into bed.
Insert : GOOD NIGHT
Shut down computer.


7. KEEP HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

THEre is a young married couple in a normal middle class marriage ( with two small children, etc) on your right in a restaurant. You’re sitting at a table on your own and drinking coffee.
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
But you didn’t mind last year.
I can’t stay with tHE kids on my own.
Two days?
Three.
Call your motHEr.
My motHEr’s ill!
But this is traditional.
It’s out of tHE question.
Darling!
Yes?
You know I always bring you sometHing nicE back from a trip.
I know.
And this time it’ll be even nicer. Let’s not argue.
We’re not arguing.
Is everything alright.
OK fine but just for three days.
I’ll call you every half hour.
Of course HE only called once before coming back HE was on tHE trip with his lover because his wife no longer excites him his wife has suspected this for months but doesn’t want to say anything because those sorts of things are not discussed in a normal middle class marriage.
I know wHEre you’re going.
Of course you know I’m going on a trip.
You’re going off to chase women.
You’re talking nonsense.
Just so you know I’m leaving tHE kids with your motHEr.
WHEn?
Those three days.
Why?
I fancy tHE carpenter who made our bed.
Stop acting like a child!
Why?
Because I have to go and I don’t have time for this.
We’ve already Seen each otHEr once wHEn HE was measuring tHE bedroom.
So what if you’ve seen each otHEr.
HE was so polite.
How polite.
HE gave me his card.
You’re ridiculous.
Perhaps I am.
Still HE went and his wife didn’t say a word nor did SHE have any kind of card from a carpenter who was making tHEir bed nor was anyone making tHEir bed because tHEy inHErited it from his parents and HE came back from tHE trip and brought back a coral necklace from tHE bottom of tHE pacific and HEr eyes lit up and until tHE next time SHE didn’t say a word nor did SHE wonder why HE came back from tHE office at three o’clock in tHE morning with bruises on his neck and scratcHEs on his back nor did SHE ask HErself what tHE pink cruSHEd velvet handcuffs which SHE found in his dirty socks were for nor did SHE wonder why SHE found two long red hairs on his white shirt nor did SHE wonder about anything else anymore and so tHEy lived happily ever after with tHE porn channel on pay – TV.
To keep him for tHE rest of your life
You have to be
A-bit-to-average beautiful
A-bit-to-average intelligent
A-bit-to-average successful
A-bit-to-average demanding
A-bit-to-average interesting
Very tolerant
Very good
Full of understanding
Full of support
Never moody
Caring
Without too many questions
Without too many answers
You’d have to be a bit more stupid.


8. BUY A COOKBOOK – BECOME A BRIDE

You and HIM are sitting at a table in an expensive restaurant.
HE: You don’t like it?
SHE: It’s excellent but I mustn’t have any more.
HE: I was thinking…
SHE: What?
HE: You’re very beautiful.
SHE: Thank you.
HE: And pleasant…
SHE: Thank you.
HE: And…I think it would be a good idea for you to be my wife.
SHE: Thank you.
HE: You agree?
SHE: Yeah.
HE: Shall I order some champagne?
SHE: OK.
HE: We live in uncertain times and marriage may be our only hope.
You continue to eat in silence.


9. TREATS FOR HIM

Would you describe your love life at its’ best as HEalthy, excellent, satisfactory or mind-blowing?
MATURE: I like to treat my husband to an erotic card game.
PROBLEMATIC: You just have to do him from above and problem solved!
MATURE: You need to pump up your top lip a bit.
PROBLEMATIC: Do I see a ring!?
MATURE: Someone won’t be having those problems for a while yet!
SHE: HE can’t get it up.

MATURE: A football player!
PROBLEMATIC: Impossible!
MATURE: Have you tried oral sex?
SHE: Yeah.
PROBLEMATIC: Anal?
SHE: Yeah.
MATURE: A quickie?
SHE: Yes.
PROBLEMATIC: In public?
SHE: Several times.
MATURE: You’re tHE problem. You don’t love your body enough. Next time wHEn HE’s running his eyes over your curves you have to feel and think you’re perfect. Do everything so your skin glows, even those imperceptible imperfections should be removed admire your best features stop all comparisons do a home striptease for him and everything will be alright.
SHE: I want a baby.


10. COUNTER – COUNTERINDICATIONS

HEllo…I don’t feel well today I feel dizzy I’m falling not like wHEn my blood pressure drops but as if tHEre’s nothing beneath me I don’t know if you understand what I mean but I really can’t take it any longer it’s as if it’s not my skin…yes I did have some salt…yes I took those too…no it’s not…no I don’t eat sweets…I’m not… no I’m not pregnant…I don’t have a womb…yes I’m sure… I can’t…what…I don’t understand…ok…fine…but it’s not normal I don’t feel normal something is wrong with my circulation it’s as if my blood’s flowing in tHE wrong direction…no I’m not joking I’m serious it’s as if everything is going upside down you can't convince me it’s not tHE case wHEn I can feel it…my husband is not HEre HE’s off chasing women though apparently HE’s gone to work so I can’t get through to him because apparently HE has a mobile which is strictly confidential and only his manager knows tHE number but it’s clear to everyone wHEre HE is wHEn HE’s on that strictly confidential number and I said to him quite openly that tHEre’s no need to hide it from me wHEn I know very well wHEre HE is and that HE stole a little pink flannel which my mum gave me wHEn I got married to put under HEr HEad wHEn tHEy fuck in his new car because your HEad sweats on the leatHEr seats and tHEn your hair gets ruined really quickly if you’ve had it blowdried and SHE has to look perfect all tHE time even if tHE paparazzi catch HEr fucking around I was once in HEr shoes so I know and HE used to put a towel with his ex-wife’s initials under my HEad but tHE seats weren’t leatHEr tHEn but those SyntHEtic ones which make you sweat even more so HE didn’t bring a flannel because it’s too small but a bath towel and in particular tHE bath towel SHE had in hospital wHEn SHE had his first child so pretty quickly SHE figured out what was going on wHEn SHE noticed that tHE towel had disappeared…I’m not thirsty but it’s as if tHE right side of my face is getting tighter…I use a hydrating cream but not all tHE time because my husband steals it wHEn HE feels a need for anal sex it has serotox in it which at once tightens and anastHEsizes so it’s very pleasant having anal sex with it and tHEn I don’t mind that much wHEn HE takes it with him because otHErwise his penis swells up and burns and tHEn HE’s moody and I’m moody too and that’s not good…it’s falling out but not much…you didn’t ask…how…much do I want and wHEn should I call you? Thank you. Goodbye.
You need to go to tHE loo.
SHE: Two tablets every six hours stabilize hormonal imbalances of genital glands improve ovary function improve tHE number of oligosperm in men tHE mobility of astenosperm tHE irregularities in shape of teratosperm as well as tHE complete absence of sperm.
You’re thinking.
SHE: During tHE first two years of marriage we didn’t worry about not having children but tHEn we started to suspect that something was wrong my husband was sceptical in tHE beginning and didn’t want to go and seek medical advice but in tHE end we decided to get tested which determined that HE had azospermia tHE total absence of sperm we tried to solve tHE problem with different courses of antibiotics but nothing worked and tHEn we decided to try an alternative cure which involved taking plant-based pills every half an hour and had an effect very quickly…we didn’t get pregnant but my husband’s libido improved considerably and I also feel much better and my psychiatrist thinks that my general mental state has improved too…my husband and I were persistent and happiness came our way in tHE end.
SHE: My husband smokes and tHEy say that smoking can harm sperm.
You eat.
SHE: THEy’ve discovered a new vitamin pyrroloquinoline quinone which can be found in parsley, green peppers, green tea and kiwi and japanese scientists have found and tests done on mice proven that an adequate dose of this newest vitamin ensures fertility.
And if on top of that you also drink a cup of cocoa from tHE new self-cooling can, which according to american scientists has more anti-oxidants than red wine or green tea, tHE pleasure is complete.
SHE: Don’t mix protein and carbohydrates!
SHE: Banana is not allowed!
SHE: Long live swiss cHEese with two teaspoons of orange juice!
SHE: I have a sporadic allergy to HEalthy food and broccoli makes me sick.
two three go!
SHE: Enlargement reduction lifting asymmetry enhancement skin rejuvenation liposuction transplant correction implants and two rounds of masturbation in a row…My discharge has stopped due to a lack of melanin.
You’re a little bit tired but not too much.
SHE
In the last ten days the following things have disappeared: a pink flannel, a toothbrush, bluSHEr, mascara, a coffee mug, 250gr of ham, indigestion tablets, a candle from tHE TV, the coil, a leopard belt, an indian throw, a cushion from dubai, an address book and my husband.


11. READY FOR ANYTHING

Now you’re bored. You’re alone in a big city, in a huge exaggerated flat styled according to tHE latest interior design magazine trends. You’re bored, very bored, unbearably so.
SHE: I used to go out to a club wHEn I was bored, get drunk like a pig and end up glued togetHEr in tHE morning with a fag butt stuck to my right cHEek in some kids’ HEavy metal band studio.
And now you’re sitting alone in your flat and waiting for your husband who is on his strictly confidential assignment.
SHE: I’d kill HEr and transplant HEr face onto mine and go to his wonderful office with a breaking view of tHE whole city sit on his poliSHEd mahagony table lift my lace miniskirt up and show him my wonderful thigh because no one has a thigh as wonderful as mine and HE would recognise it and kiss me in a place only HE and I know is wHEre tHE liposuction scar used to be…
However you won’t do that because your plastic surgeon is on holiday so you’ll use tHE spare time to relax and do yoga in candlelight as your doctor suggested but before that don’t forget to take your three colourful tablets.
SHE: HE’ll see wHEn this hormone tHErapy starts to work and I give him a child tHEn HE’ll be far too preoccupied with tHE fight for custody I read how dangerous that could be for his career.
You go to tHE cupboard to get a mat and in his tennis rucksack you find tHE long-awaited proof COSMOPOLITAN with HEr on tHE front page or at least you’re convinced that it’s HEr.
SHE: Whore! Look at HEr. SHE’s disgusting. SHE has a thin upper lip and tHEy photograpHEd HEr from a low angle so SHE’d look taller but in fact SHE’s a meter and a lipstick tall I hate HEr toucHEd up in some computer programe without a morsel extra without orange peel who’s seen a woman without orange peel that should be a female symbol we are different to you not because we don’t have cocks but because we have orange peel!
An idea as genius as this has not occurred to you since you left behind a career as a writer to marry a famous footballer and get a stress-related hormone imbalance resulting in you no longer being able to have children.
SHE: It no longer matters what SHE has and I don’t but what SHE doesn’t have and I do!
You haven’t felt this powerful in a long time. Today you’re not going to do any yoga and you’re not going to take three hormone pills instead you’ll prepare everything for his arrival wHEnever that is because you still need to convince him that your idea is ingenious so HE’d invest money in it.
SHE: How can I get him into a state of complete sense-shattering wild passion and give him sublime excitement and pleasure?
You haven’t had sex for a long time but tHEre’s always a way to wake sleeping passions.
Pay attention to tHE testicles
That’s one of HIS main erogenous zones
Dip a cotton cloth in a dish of warm water
Brush his testicles
THEn lightly, with your fingertips
Go over tHE inner side of his thigh
Take his penis in your hand
With tHE tip of your tongue go over his penis up and down
THEn put it all in your mouth
Lick and suck
Press it harder
Use your hands
Gently pull tHE skin on tHE testicles
Touch tHE point between his testicles and his anus
THEn let him take charge
From above
Sideways
From behind
WHEn HE’s near
Suggest that HE comes in your mouth
And tHEn swallow
HE will be very satisfied
And HE’ll think you’re a woman ready for anything.


12. ALONE AGAINST EVERYONE

HE’s back from his long-awaited business trip. You wait for him in your most beautiful seethrough dress with dinner which you ordered in specially from tHE local macrobiotic restaurant. HE looks like a deflated baloon who’s spent so long having mind-blowing sex with a woman who isn’t his wife that HE can no longer see. You still tell him HE looks well.
SHE: You look so well.
HE: Thank you darling you do too.
SHE: Look what I made.
HE: Is that food?
SHE: No, it’s a decoration! Of course it’s food.
HE: For you?
SHE: No, for you, for us!
HE: Oh… I’m sorry… I’m a bit tired.
SHE: You just lie HEre and put your feet up and I’ll give you a foot massage.
HE: You really don’t have to, I think it’s best if I go to bed.
SHE: No! We’re going to eat first!
HE: Don’t shout darling, you know how delicate my hearing is.
SHE: Sorry darling, sit at tHE table, HEre I’ll put your feet up so you can rest properly…
You take off his socks and find bitten feet.
SHE: Darling what’s wrong with your feet! Did you step into a bush of some kind?
HE: Yes…a rosebush…
SHE: What were you doing tHEre?
HE: Picking a bouquet for you.
SHE: Well wHEre are tHE roses darling?
HE: THEy died.
SHE: But why didn’t you pick some more?
HE: Because my feet were hurt as you can see. Put on my napkin or I’ll ruin my shirt.
SHE: Let me take those trousers off tHEy seem tight. But darling your whole legs are bitten!
HE: THEy’ll HEal.
SHE: But how did it happen?
HE: I was bitten …by a strange animal.
SHE: What kind of strange animal on a business trip darling?
HE: Very strange tHE locals told me tHEy had never seen anything like it.
SHE: I hope it’s not poisonous.
HE: THE doctor said it would get better in a couple of days.
SHE: And I planned a night of mind-blowing sex…
HE: WHEn I’m better….
You’re happy you don’t have to sleep with him because you know very well that those are not bites from some strange animal but from a woman who doesn’t have orange peel.
SHE: Darling, I was thinking…
HE: I have to go to bed straight away…I’ve got a terrible HEadacHE…it must be from tHE bites.
SHE: But darling…wait…it’s very important…it’s to do with my career.
HE is already in tHE bathroom with tHE shower on as far as it will go.
SHE: I’ll have to fight alone! A woman is always alone wHEn SHE has to fight for or against orange peel!


13. 10 RULES FOR PERFECT CELLULITE

You are in tHE salon again sitting between MATURE and PROBLEMATIC but this time something is different. Something is very different. You’re thinking about changing things. You understand that tHE world is going in tHE wrong direction. You ask yourself tHE crucial question which you always used to ask wHEn you were a writer WHERE IS THIS UNIVERSE GOING?
SHE: Something has to change!
MATURE: I think your peroxide’s smudged, you have a little bit on your foreHEad.
PROBLEMATIC: Will someone finally notice me in HEre! I’ve had this treatment on my HEad for half an hour already.
SHE: A woman has to be different!
MATURE: Of course SHE does dear. SHE is.
SHE: But visibly different. We have to have what tHEy don’t have so tHEy want to have what we don’t have like we want all our lives to have what tHEy have and that way equality of tHE sexes would be achieved!
PROBLEMATIC: What kind of equality are you talking about?! I’d never want to be in tHE body of some hairy sweaty man for as long as I live.
MATURE: SHE’s right and tHEy have a prostate but we don’t!
PROBLEMATIC: And tHEy get HEart attacks!
MATURE: And cancer more frequently.
PROBLEMATIC: And tHEir feet stink.
SHE: Women have to have what was taken away from tHEm long ago returned!
MATURE: Which is?
SHE: Orange Peel!
PROBLEMATIC: Urrghhh! Are you insane!
MATURE: I’ve spent twenty years in HEre being put through different treatments.
PROBLEMATIC: I’ve been using tHEm longer than tampons.
SHE: Take those electrodes off your legs!
MATURE: I’ve no intention of doing that.
SHE: It’ll soon be tHE latest trend. Orange Peel!
PROBLEMATIC: And what do we gain by that. No one will look at us.
SHE: Good marketing will solve everything and my husband has enough money to make me happy.
MATURE: What do we need to do?
PROBLEMATIC: It now seems impossible that I can get all those layers of cellulite back.
SHE: THEre’s nothing simpler. Everything you’ve been doing so far, except in reverse.
Drink tiny amounts of fluid.
Move as little as possible.
Spend as much time as possible in front of tHE television.
With a compulsory crisp bowl in your lap
Don’t exercise
Don’t eat fruit and vegetables
Eat fat and chocolate
Drink alcohol
Smoke
Take drugs
And spend as little time as possible in beauty salons.


14. WHERE IS THIS UNIVERSE GOING

You and your husband who’s just come back from a business trip which this time round took three months and took place in tHE bahamas are sitting down at tHE table eating. You’ve put on a lot of weight since last time and you are eating a huge chocolate cake with whipped cream.
SHE: And wHEn you sent me tHE money I went to tHE agency and tHEy said tHEy’d consider my proposal and I said that it’s a fantastic idea and that it would boost tHE self confidence of many women and tHEy said tHEy’d call me later that tHEy have to discuss it with tHEir boss and some kind of board and I waited and tHEn this woman phoned me to say that tHEy thought about it and concluded that this lifestyle would be catastrophic for one’s HEalth and that tHEy like any otHEr marketing agency dare not advertise something which isn’t HEalthy and tHEn in tHE end after my long attempt at persuading tHEm tHEy decided not to accept my proposal.
HE: I’m moving in with Jacqueline tonight.
SHE: What?
HE: I’m sorry.
SHE: I don’t understand? WHEre are you moving to? I mean we didn’t even talk about it, fine we can talk about it now.
HE: I don’t have time. We’re going back to tHE bahamas tomorrow.
SHE: And your training for tHE new football season?
HE: I didn’t tell you. I’m changing clubs.
SHE: We didn’t talk about that eitHEr!
HE: I’ll leave you tHE flat and tHE car and tHE yacht and a lot of money.
SHE: I didn’t tell you tHE most important thing…
HE: I’ll call you tHE moment I get to tHE bahamas.
SHE: I’ve decided to eat as much as possible to try out tHE method on myself.
HE: I didn’t notice.
SHE: You didn’t notice how I’ve put on a bit of weight.
HE: You haven’t darling you’re imagining it.
SHE: I couldn’t even get into your favourite dress tonight.
HE: Doesn’t matter anotHEr time.
SHE: I’ve started to get cellulite on my thighs.
HE: But that’s wonderful.
SHE: And I suppose because of all that food something got disturbed and…
HE: Can you pass tHE salt darling.
SHE: And…I’m pregnant.
HE: But you don’t have a womb darling.
SHE: THE doctor says that I do but that it was temporarily out of order.
HE: But we didn’t have sex darling.
SHE: We didn’t.
HE: So tHEn it’s not my child darling.
SHE: I suppose not.
HE: THEn everything’s alright, I’ve finiSHEd my dinner and I can go.
SHE: You can.
HE: Could you fold up those sHirts in tHE wardrobe for me.
SHE: All of tHEm or just tHE white ones?
HE: And give me a foot massage, my feet really hurt.
You’re massaging his feet, you’re massaging HEr bites on his feet and you’re imagining how SHE satisfies him in some entirely different way and you ask yourself how such a bright moment of understanding could disappear and how HE can’t remember tHE evening three months ago wHEn HE got back and you made love on tHE balcony for seven minutes.


15. FOR OR AGAINST

THEre’s a very important decision aHEad of you. Some think it’s tHE most wonderful thing in tHE life of a woman and otHErs that it’s a necessary evil. In any case in exactly twenty four hours tHE being or as some prefer to call it tHE embryo will get to such and such a weight after which it’s illegal to remove it from your stomach. THEn you’ll have to make a For or Against decision and decide finally and irrevocably if tHE being / embryo conceived on tHE bed in tHE gynaeocological surgery during a routine examination is your child or just anotHEr substance in a long chain used to make soap. If you decide Against tHE same doctor who took pains to place his love juice in your womb and create tHE source of your dilemma we will in a few skillful moves correct tHE mistake and everything will be as it was. However if you decide to keep tHE being / embryo it becomes a part of you in you and out of you and whicHEver way you look at it you’re no longer alone. THE decision is yours or at least so tHEy like to say.
SHE
I won’t be alone any more
On tHE one hand that’s good but tHEn again…
All those things aHEad of me
All tHE treatments
A baby crying
Cramps
And before that morning sickness
Hunger hunger hunger
And HE’s not HEre anymore
I don’t want to be a single motHEr
WHEn I was little it was tHE only thing I was afraid of
Serves me right
I’ve let myself go
But I don’t want to turn it into soap
And what would I do if it’s a boy
HE’ll eitHEr be gay or a ballet dancer
And if it’s a girl
What if SHE’s prettier tHEn me
And I’m old
And SHE’s young and beautiful
How come motHErs never kill tHEir beautiful young groomed daughters
But it’s mine
It’s in me
And I would have time to think
And I’ll get orange peel
Definitely
At least it’s worth it for that.
I’ll keep it.
Doctor I’ll be pregnant after all.


16. MEN LOVE FAITHFUL WOMEN

You’ve made a decision. Now everything’s down to you. Just as it always was but you didn’t know that or didn’t want to know. If someone told you wHEn you were little and you were trying on your mum’s wedding dress that you’d be a single motHEr would you have believed it? Mum says be faithful to your husband and everything will be ok. Maybe all this happened because of your infidelity on tHE gynaecologist’s bed. Maybe tHE doctor revealed all this to your husband who tHEn very quickly went to a top model to dull tHE pain.
MATURE: I think you made tHE right decision.
PROBLEMATIC: Oh you’re crazy, did you tell the doctor that tHE child is his?
SHE: HE knows.
PROBLEMATIC: And will HE pay maintenance?
MATURE: Will HE marry you?
SHE: HE said HE would readily perform an abortion for free.
MATURE: What a pig!
PROBLEMATIC: What did you expect? Who knows how many HE’s had on that table.
MATURE: But not being careful, well that’s just so immature.
SHE: HE says HE’s against throwing sperm away.
MATURE: Oh my God!
PROBLEMATIC: Can’t you see that HE’s fucking you around?
SHE: HE says it’s against his religion and that I’m a whore.
MATURE: How dare HE?!?
PROBLEMATIC: But all men say that.
SHE: HE says HE won’t tell my ex-husband only if we never see each otHEr again.
MATURE: How rude!
PROBLEMATIC: What do you expect? HE’s not stupid HE doesn’t want to get himself into shit. THEy love things fair and square.
SHE: HE says I’m to blame for everything because I didn’t take my hormone tHErapy.
MATURE: Which HE and your husband thought up for you.
PROBLEMATIC: THEy had some kind of deal mark my words.
MATURE: THE most important thing is that you made tHE right decision.
PROBLEMATIC: And now you’ll get as fat as a pig.
MATURE: Not if you’re on tHE right diet. I didn’t put on a kilo with my daughter.
PROBLEMATIC: You have to do exercises for pregnant women.
MATURE: And apply anti-stretch mark cream regularly.
PROBLEMATIC: And take vitamins so your teeth don’t fall out.
MATURE: Watch what you eat.
PROBLEMATIC: And you can’t get stressed.
MATURE: Babies can HEar everything.
SHE: What about orange peel?
MATURE: You can’t think about that now, you have more important things to think about.
PROBLEMATIC: It’ll come all on its own.
SHE: And what if I never have it again?
MATURE: Now is not tHE time to be thinking about yourself.
PROBLEMATIC: Think about tHE baby!
MATURE: It will now take centre stage in your life.
PROBLEMATIC: And just wait till it’s born!
MATURE: And tHE cramps and crying all tHE way through tHE night start!
PROBLEMATIC: And shitty nappies, urghhh!
MATURE: But tHEre’s always…
PROBLEMATIC: THE maternal instinct.
MATURE: Don’t worry.
PROBLEMATIC: Everything will be alright.
MATURE: And it’ll have a friend.
PROBLEMATIC: Look! It’s in tHE newspaper.
A famous football player has left his pregnant wife for a sexy model with whom HE’s been spotted during tHE last few months in several elite hotels around tHE world. As we’ve informally found out tHE new pair also await a child in tHE autumn. Did tHE future dad think about tHE consequences of a debaucHEd life or did HE decide to make a football team as quickly as possible.


17. A TOTALLY (EXTRA)ORDINARY DAY

8:00 You wake up with HEartburn. You go to tHE loo and puke. You look in tHE mirror and marvel at your olive green reflection. You wash your face. You get tHE concealer and cover up dark circles. You go to tHE kitcHEn with a feeling of immense hunger.

9:00 You hysterically cram huge amounts of different uncomplimentary foods into your body. No one is tHEre to stop you and say that’s enough. You eat, eat, eat until you go to tHE loo again to puke. THEn you have a shower and try to get dressed. You realise that everything is too small for you. You put on a tracksuit and go to get some maternity clotHEs.

10:00 In tHE shop you imagine yourself as Julia Roberts in tHE film Pretty Woman. You buy an enormous amount of maternity wear and you invent different cocktails your husband has to go to and tHE dresses you need for all of tHEm for tHE shop assistant. SHE is amazed that your husband is a footballer but says that SHE read somewHEre that sportsmen are tHE most promiscuous men.

11:00 you come home and try on all tHE dresses you’ve bought once more. You remember that you didn’t apply tHE anti-stretchmark cream to your stomach. For a moment you’re happy. You love yourself and you love your baby. You eat. You puke. You hate yourself and your baby. You feel guilty. You realise you didn’t buy anything for tHE baby and tHEy say that time flies during pregnancy. You go to a shop for baby clotHEs.

12:00 while you’re buying things for tHE baby you imagine your husband fucking tHE pregnant Jacqueline. You imagine all tHE perverse sex tHEy had wHEn SHE wasn’t pregnant and how now that SHE is pregnant it has more meaning. You wonder if HEr nipples also disgust him like yours and wHEtHEr SHE has a tattoo on tHE small of HEr back like all models nowadays or wHEtHEr HEr skin is white, smooth and untoucHEd.

13:00 you eat and watch Spanish soap operas on tv. You puke, eat, puke, eat and that lasts some time. You miss your husband. You cry. You feel better.

15:00 You worry about tHE hungry children in africa. You write a cHEque to HElp. You feel much better because you’ve done a good deed. You puke. You eat. In tHE end you fall asleep on tHE sofa.

19:00 tHE phone and hunger wake you up. You don’t get to tHE phone but you do get to tHE fridge. Your husband leaves you a message that HE’ll come tomorrow to pick up some things. You eat hysterically and you get stressed. You remember that you shouldn’t get stressed because of tHE baby. You break tHE china you got from his motHEr. You cry. You puke. You rest on tHE sofa.

21:00 You think about wHEre you went wrong. All you wanted was a normal life. All you wanted was what’s everywHEre you look a husband, a flat, car, children. You just wanted a dog and holidays, barbecues with friends and a life without stress. How did all that go wrong? For a moment you forget you’re pregnant but tHE puking reminds you.

22:00 You go to bed with unease in your stomach. Is that your child?


18. ALWAYS BEHIND HIM

While you stand naked in front of tHE mirror and caress your smooth six month tummy you remember…
THE past which you blame for everything
Your motHEr who gave you too much freedom wHEn SHE shouldn’t have
Your DJ fatHEr who spent his free time with underage girls in clubs
THE boys from school who gave you your first irremovable hang-ups
All tHE women obsessed with tHE idea of finding tHE right boyfriend from tHE age of eighteen
All your friends who have ended up in marriages with semi-retarded career freaks and yet still kept that model-from-a-detergent-ad smile
All those women who in one way or anotHEr drew your attention to tHE fact that it was high time you got married
All those women who in one way or anotHEr drew your attention to tHE fact that life is short
Be beautiful
Be intelligent
Be successful
Be relaxed
Men like groomed women
Do your nails this way
Do your make up that way
Be mysterious
Be irresistible
Laugh
Don’t show worry
Love his motHEr
Understand his needs
Watch football
Wear HEels
Use your body
Be good with words
Be decisive
Be provocative
Be brave
Be romantic
Show initiative
Be imaginative
Be glamorous
Make him dinner
Give him a child
Don’t flirt with otHEr men
And most importantly
Always behind him
Everything else is just bad manners.


19. WOMEN AGAINST WOMEN

You’re walking down tHE street with your stomach up to your eyeballs. You’re wearing your favourite dress. You feel good. You feel powerful. You feel like tHE motHEr of your unborn child. You don’t HEar tHE criticism you’ve been subjected to in tHE last few days. You don’t HEar words. You don’t HEar voices although tHEy persistently try to reach you. Your freedom pisses tHEm off. Your independence pisses tHEm off. You and your child piss tHEm off. THEy tear tHEir hair out. THEy bang tHEir HEads against the wall. THEy meet to have coffee to talk about your life. THEy spill hot coffee in tHEir laps and tHEn blame it on you. THEy ask questions. THEy give answers. THEy go round in circles with you in tHE centre. THEre’s your motHEr, neighbours, friends, acquaintances, rivals, counter girls, bakery girls, secretaries, nurses, women ministers, women journalists, hairdressers, lazy women, scientist women, maids and many otHErs.
THE child won’t have a fatHEr because of HEr
Irresponsible.
I don’t know how SHE’s not ashamed of HErself.
CHEated on HEr husband with a gynaecologist, serves HEr right.
It’s no wonder HE cHEated on HEr with a model.
Look at HEr parading around with that belly.
SHE should pay more attention to HEr HEalth instead of walking around like that.
I HEard SHE had an operation for cancer of tHE womb wHEn SHE was younger.
Maybe tHE child will be born all deformed because of those pills SHE was taking.
I saw HEr yesterday spending money on clotHEs.
SHE masturbates to porn.
Tart!
It said in tHE paper that SHE was a stripper.
Whore!
SHE wanted to be normal but not everyone can do that.
I HEard SHE likes younger men.
And has sadomasochistic sex.
SHE should be locked up.
THE child should be taken away from HEr tHE moment it’s born.
SHE can’t be a motHEr.
Slut!
SHE was a bad woman, that’s why SHE ended up alone.
SHE only thought of HErself.
SHE can’t even cook properly.
SHE’s put on weight. Just look at HEr.
SHE doesn’t take care of HErself at all.
Adulterer!
SHE had a very handsome and intelligent husband.
SHE valued nothing!
It serves HEr right.
SHE’ll end up in hospital!
In prison!
In an asylum!
SHE’s too weird.
People like that should be banned from giving birth.
Pity tHE child with a motHEr like that.
Constantly unhappy!
Even as a child SHE was wild.
It’s good we’re not like that.
WHEn’s your husband coming back from his business trip?
We’ve got time, let’s have anotHEr coffee!


20. IT’S A GIRL

THEy say that significant moments of your life flash by when you feel you’re dying. You’re lying on tHE bed about to give birth and cursing tHE day wHEn your child was conceived on it and you see flaSHEs not of what was but of what could have been.
SHE: I became a stripper in an elite hotel and earned enormous amounts of money which I spent on drugs and having a good time and then tHEy found me one night in five bins torn into pieces in black binliners.
SHE: I became a recognised surgeon in tHE most famous hospital and I didn’t have time to have children and start a family but I did operate on and save tHE lives of many patients until I was present at an operation carried out by a colleague of mine who killed a patient due to negligence and subsequently poisoned me by pouring a large dose of morphine down my throat.
SHE: I became a writer and wrote several bestsellers and tHEn work poured in but I once wrote something I shouldn’t have and tHEn ended up first in prison and tHEn underground.
SHE: I became tHE owner of a big company and tHEn soon ended up in a morgue.
SHE: I became a housewife because I thought that was tHE safest job and I had a husband and three children but my husband couldn’t stand me so HE staged a burglary and my murder and I ended up on an autopsy table.
While I imagine all this tHE child is tearing my insides apart and pushing my bones until it’s totally cracked me open and got out with a silence accompanied by crying and one of tHE two usual sentences IT’S A GIRL.


21. YOUR WHOLE LIFE’S AHEAD OF YOU

You’re standing above HEr cot and watching HEr sleeping. You’re thinking of all that life will bring, all tHE things SHE could do.
SHE could
Change tHE world
Become a pilot
Receive tHE Nobel Peace prize
End up in an asylum
Find tHE cure for AIDS
Become a model
A killer
An architect
Die in a war
Get an Oscar
Get cancer
Become an actress
A lesbian
End up being trafficked
Become a scientist
Work as a prostitute
A presenter
A terrorist
A good motHEr
A mass murderer
Your whole life’s ahead of you!


22. MANIFESTO AND END

After this tHEre is silence. You’ve gone to tHE top of a catHEdral and you’re screaming your head off. THEre isn’t a pompous ending. THEre aren’t excessive messages. THEre isn’t a logical development. THEre is no identification. THEre is nothing.

Art as an orgasm
Orgasm as art
We live in a time
In which both things are simultaneously posed as a certainty and entirely neglected
Just like no one really asks any more if tHEre is true art
Or if it’s just a simulation of simalacrum
THE same things apply to tHE precious organ/body need = orgasm
Oh those cyberorgasms
Oh those multilayered constructed perversities
Oh those asexual cyborgs who believe tHEy’re sex symbols
Oh those boring porn films wHEre poses from a to z are common knowledge
Oh those tiring discussions about what is and isn’t pornography
Oh that constant need to be different
Oh those iron, plastic, rubber, silicone sweet aids
How much longer?!?
And wHEn did you last lie in bed from 11 till 5
Instead of manically searching for suitable meat to come in your mouth
And coming millions of times dreaming or most often not
WHEn did you last use that moment of pure orgasm as inspiration, wHEn did you last believe that reality is really tHE only thing you’ve got left
THE only thing you can claim is only yours
Feminist
Oh no
I am certainly not a feminist
Nor am I interested in what that word means
I can only say that within tHE sounds of tHE same
I can find my constructed figure
Which would be an afeminist ironed out membrane
Ironed out in many of tHE strictest computer programs
For virtual perfecting of a real body
Long blonde extensions
No stretchmarks
No cellulite
Maybe a little cellulite on tHE cHEeks as a new trend
Everything else within tHE spHEre of real western stereotypes
Don’t you sometimes feel good in tHEm
So inspired…
Very feminist organs
Feminist HEart
Feminist liver
And of course a pink feminist womb
I’d put myself in that form into a bin
Into a mass of chocolate cake
From a nearby multinational…
A pHEnomenal body with such possibilities for construction reproduction
Deconstruction
And otHEr wank
What’s tHE use of anything your own body can’t produce
No one will take away my right to tHE autHEnticity of each of my clogged pores
Each miligram of discharge combined with sperm
Each blister mark
THE bruises on my knees
And especially not tHE autHEnticity of my mental perversions
WHEn did you last talk about your erogenous zones
Spots you know nothing about
While you were trying to find your inner-self
At tHE gym
Freeing up enormous amounts of uncreative sweat.
I love cock
I love it in many shapes and in many places
I love to discover it and for it to discover me
I love to write with cock about me
On me
My only creative energy comes from my sexuality
And fear of it
I am my only weapon
Pointed at otHErs or myself
I’m not afraid of stereotypes
Because my orgasm doesn’t fall into that category
I write with sperm and come
I’ll defend myself with tHEm.
Long live all those dedicated to the brave use of tHEir body
And isn’t it time for each of us to at least once feel tHE might
Of dancing around a pole
In a strip club
While in front of you a whole crowd of men salivate
Who can only touch you if you want
WHEn you want
Which stereotypical given will prevent you from doing that
Which fears
THE autHEnticity of this feeling will forever remain dancing around tHE iron pole
Or not.
This is my time and every part of it is something I feel through me
Maybe it’s best that it’s just me
And no I’m not special
I am just special to me.
And simple
And complex
Constructed or not
Real or not
Making meaning or not
That’s for me to decide
Like
Dislike
Like
Dislike
Like
Dislike
Like
Dislike
Yourself
Is tHE only condition
Or not
Since tHEre are no rules
THEy’ve been broken so long ago.
Self-portrait
Questioning
Autocensorship
Self-harm
Yes or no?

Copyright: Sterijino pozorje 1998-2007.